Rodrigo Duterte and Laotian President Bounnhang Vorachith (cropped)was crowned this Friday night in Manila. “The ghosts of colonialism have been overcome, we are back to our former glory” said the Raja formerly known as Rodrigo Roa Duterte to a selected crowd gathered in the gardens of Malacañang Palace. “Without the EU, the US and the UN, these crazy and useless white people to hinder us, we shall return to the glory of the ancient kingdom of Manila which was ruled by men from Brunei, from the South just like me” he added in his three-hour rambling speech.

After the speech, Chief Magistrate Calida appeared and heralded the sentence of death by beheading against Leila de Lima. Not Senator anymore, as the Constitution and all other “pretentious apparitions and impositions that have kept us from progressing” are gone. Calida spoke of the intrinsic evil of “this woman who has corrupted the youth of our nation and dirtied our souls”.

Datu Alvarez and his daughter Dian Paola, who were sitting in the first row in the audience, smiled at this part of the proclamation. The second and the third wife of Datu Alvarez were seated behind him in the second row. Lakay Enrile grinned when Chief Executioner Bato came into the front, wearing only silken pajama pants and slippers, his entire body oiled up to his bald head.

Gagged so she could not scream and hogtied, Leila de Lima was brought in by Mocha Uson and Lorraine Marie Badoy. They held her head down to the block while Chief Executioner Bato unsheathed his kampilanCounsellors Aguirre, Cayetano and Pimentel froze as Leila de Lima let out one huge scream before her severed head fell into the basket placed below the block by Sandra Cam.

Sandra Cam took out the head of Leila de Lima and triumphantly showed it to the crowd. “Leni huwag ka nang bumalik dito!” she screamed, referring to former Vice President Leni Robredo who was away on a trip to South Africa. Meanwhile, Raja Muda, formerly known as Bongbong Marcos, stood up for a karaoke duet with Raja Matanda. “Moon river, wider than a mile.. I’m crossing you in style some day… we’re after the same rainbow’s end, my Huckleberry friend, moon river and me..”

I went to the toilet to secretly puke. When I came back, everybody was dancing, and at the karaoke machine, Chief Minister Panelo was singing Billy Ocean’s “get out of my dreams, get into my car…”. Suddenly he walked in my direction. “I told you to get out of my dream!” he yelled at me. I woke up, in a sweat but somehow relieved.

Irineo B. R. Salazar, April Fools Day 2017, Munich